Over the years I’ve become used to getting the occasional letter, email or even phone call telling me that I’m a disgusting pervert…and that’s just from my mother! Nah, I’m only joking about the mother bit, but the rest is quite true. When you have a bit of a public profile in the sex scene, it’s pretty much a given that you attract attention. Most of it’s good, but every now and then someone will have a go at me for being an agent of hell, or corruptor of youth, or just being a plain everyday pervert.
I wonder, therefore, what those people would make of Edward Smith, a man who claims to have had sex with 1000 cars! Ed, who’s American (really, you just knew that’d be the case, didn’t you) has recently begun talking about his "romantic" feelings towards vehicles.
Edward lives with his current "girlfriend" – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, and insists he’s not "sick" and has no desire to change his ways.
Ed realizes that other people might think he’s a little bit off the wall but says that when he saw movies and TV shows like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters, it really turned him on.
He claims that he’s a romantic who likes to write poetry about cars, and sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend, and he has no desire to change, saying that he’s not a pervert, and doesn’t want to hurt anyone, and that cars are just his preference. I’m amazed I haven’t seen him on Jerry Springer yet.
Ed first had sex with a car at the age of 15, and reckons he’s never been attracted to women or men. However, he’s not monogamous either and his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his most intense sexual experience was "making love" to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf. The mind boggles!
As well as Vanilla, he regularly spends time with his other vehicles – a 1973 Opal GT, named Cinnamon, and 1993 Ford Ranger Splash, named Ginger. Before Vanilla, he had a five-year relationship with Victoria, a 1969 VW Beetle he bought from a family of Jehovah's Witnesses. If there is a God and the Jo Ho’s are right, Ed is definitely going to hell, where he’ll probably be condemned to an eternity of fucking a Leyland P76!
His last relationship with a woman was 12 years ago - and he couldn’t bring himself to consummate it, although he did apparently have sex with girls in his younger days.
You’re probably wondering how all of this came to be out in public, as did I. Initially I assumed he’d been caught with his cock in an exhaust pipe, but it’s much simpler than that. The English TV network, Channel 5, has produced a documentary about “mechaphilia” which essential means people who have sex with machinery (vibrators don’t count, but vacuum cleaners presumably do)
Talking about how his unusual passion developed, Ed told the interviewer that it was something that grew as a part of him when he was a kid and he couldn’t shake it. He says he just loved cute cars right from the beginning, but over the years it got stronger once he got into his teenage years and started having sexual urges. When he turned 13 the first Corvette Stingray came out, and he reckoned that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine.
He said that there have been moments out in the middle of nowhere when he’s seen a little car parked and just felt that it needed loving. So much so, that with certain cars that attracted him, he would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them. As far as women go, they never really interested him much, but he says he’s not gay.
He did confess that many of the cars he had sex with have belonged to strangers or were in car showrooms. I don’t know about you, but the next time a car salesman tells me that one of his vehicles has a fresh coat of duco, I’m going to be looking closely at just what’s been sprayed on that damn thing.